Sub-terroir Rhônesick Blues

J. Locke’s in the cold cave
Drinking down the old Chave
I’m on the crushpad
Thinking about the Advocate
The man in the lab coat
Reporting on a horsy note
Final review’s just now set
Says we’ve got some bad brett,
Sees filtration as a safety net.
Look out grahm
You’re gonna get slammed
God knows why
But Cigare’s never gonna fly.
Make wine a better way
Looking for a new trend
Winegeek blogging up a blue streak,
Still likes wines for real men
Wants a score of one ten
You only got an eighty-point blend.

Girl from the raw bar
Said she’s wants some terroir
200% good wood w/ extra char
Spaceship wines won’t fly far.

I’ve been told that many say
Wine is closed on a “leaf day”
Gotta rack it anyway
Watch out for mounting V.A.
Look out grahm
Don’t matter point scores a sham.
Don’t take gulps or big sips
No untoasted oak chips
Watch those immature grape pips
And riding illicit spaceships.
Better stay away from those
That carry ‘round kinked wine hose
Watch that residual xylose
Make sure the bottle’s got a clean nose
You don’t need a Spectator
To know for sure your wine blows.

Wine’s sick, wine’s well,
Darkly colored as an inkwell
Wholesale business gone to hell, hard to tell
If anything will ever sell
Try hard, get ****ed (starred)
Hang around the wine bars, carouse
Drink Big House, get soused
Find informed water if you dowse.
Look out, grahm
Your wine aint got ‘nuff raspberry jam
But “Speculative” thinkers, wine boors
Hard-core trophy drinkers
Hang around the cellar door
Girl by the Jacuzzi flow-form
Just looking how to stay warm
No need for saigner bleeders
Watch your pH meters

Ah, get scored, get bored
Bad hair, County Fair, fruit bomb-scare
Alcohol too high, sugar pill aint Beaune-dry
Try to be an Ex-Spectorator  “Best Buy”
Please Jim, please Bob, Samsonite clonal grapevine
Don’t you cross-filter, don’t fine
Six years of Davis
And they put you on the bottling line.
Look out grahm
Are you a lion or a lamb?
Better punchdown a warm cap
Go to Berserkeley, get a case of Clape,
Learn to love the screwcap
Avoid whole clusters w/ the green sap
No use for designer yeast
Wine must pair well w/ roast beast
The must pump don’t work
Cause: Too much grape-crap in the air-trap.

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3 Responses to “Sub-terroir Rhônesick Blues”

  1. Katie says:

    Holy shit, Randall, that’s fantastic! Given that I often quote the line “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows” I may just have to start quoting yours instead now. I laughed out loud repeatedly….thanks. And BTW, your horsy notes kick ass.

  2. What we have here is a VERY sick indi-vid-eewwal. But that’s why we love him!

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Is it in the yeast or the ideology? Organic, biodynamic, vegan, no added/low sulfite, foottrodden or simply wine made with minimal intervention by a brave, well-meaning purist? What does it all mean and what do we think about it? Are natural wines good for the earth, good for you, and good tasting? Join Vintner Hall of Fame member Randall Grahm, who seeks to make “naturally soulful, original wine,” as we determine if this current movement is new hype or new hope.

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