Napa Valley Girl

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Napa Valley girl
She’s a Napa Valley girl
Napa Valley Girl
She’s a Napa Valley girl
Okay, fine
For chard, for chard
She’s a Napa Valley girl
In a tasting room
Okay, fine
For chard, for chard
She’s a…

LIKE, OH, MY GOTT (Napa Valley girl)
LIKE – TOTALLY (Napa Valley girl)
St. Helena is like SO BOUCHAINE
There’s Tra Vigne…
And like all these like really cool restaurants and balloon rides and stuff
I like to buy the most expensive cabs
It’s like so BOUCHAINE ‘cause like everybody’s like
Super-super rich…
It’s like so BOUCHAINE
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In St. Helena, there she goes
She just found some Bouchaine Merlot
Now she’s on the prowl for some cougar juice
The kind of stuff that makes her feel real loose.

Anyway, he goes are you into hard tannins?
I go, oh RIGHT
Could you like just like picture me drinking a wine that was
Not fruit forward, I mean like ASTRINGENT?
Yeah right, HURT ME, HURT ME
I’m chard! NO WAY!
HE WAS LIKE FREAKING ME OUT…
He told me my wine smelled like a sweaty saddle
That’s ‘cause like he was totally blitzed
He goes like I’m gonna pour you something from a bag-in-the-box
I’M SO CHARD!
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Napa Valley girl
She’s a Napa Valley girl
Napa Valley girl
She’s a Napa Valley girl
Okay, fine…
For chard, for chard
She’s a Napa Valley girl
With a scoring card
Okay, fine…
For chard, for chard
She’s a …

It’s really sad (Napa Valley girl)
Like my English sommelier…
He’s like … (Napa Valley girl)
He’s like Mr. Minerality (Napa Valley girl)
We’re talking LORD KING BIODYNAMIC MINERALITY (Napa Valley girl)
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I AM SO CHARD!
HE LIKES GROSS LEES!
And like sits there and swirls his decanter
And consults his biodynamic calendar
It’s like TOTALLY DISGUSTING
I’M LIKE SO CHARD!
It’s like BARBARESCO ME OUT!
GAG ME WITH A TASTEVIN

Last idea to cross her mind
Had something to do with where to find
A case of cab from Silver Oak
And making din-din rezzies at La Toque

So like I go into this like wine bar place, y’know
So, I wanted like to get a really cool Helen Turley or Caymus wine
3_Wine_boxes_Caymus_275pxwAnd the lady like goes, OH MY GOTT, YOU PICKED OUT A SYRAH!
THAT’S LIKE SO COTE-ROTIE!
It was like really embarrassing
She’s like OH, MY GOTT, LIKE BAG-IN-THE-BOX THAT WINE!
I’m like chard.
She goes, uh, I don’t know if it’s got a handle on this, y’know
I was like really embarrassed

Napa Valley girl
She’s a Napa Valley girl
Napa Valley girl
She’s a Napa Valley girl
Okay, fine
For chard, for chard
She’s a Napa Valley girl7a_cat_box_275pxw
And she finds her pairings hard
Okay, fine
For chard, for chard
She’s a Napa Valley girl
With a scoring card

Like my mother drinks MOUTON CADET (Napa Valley girl)
That’s made from SAUVIGNON BLANC (Napa Valley girl)
IT TASTES LIKE A CAT BOX! (Napa Valley girl)
I AM CHARD!
IT’S LIKE GROSS LEES (Napa Valley girl)
BARBARESCO OUT! (Napa Valley girl)
OH, MY GOTT (Napa Valley girl)

HI!
Uh-huh… (Napa Valley girl)
My name?
My name is Margaux Liebowitz (Napa Valley girl)
Uh-huh
That’s right, Margaux (Napa Valley girl)
Uh-huh…
I know
It’s like…(Napa Valley girl)
I DO NOT DRINK OVERPRICED WINE
I’m chard (Napa Valley girl)
WHAT’SA MATTER WITH THE WINE I DRINK? (Napa Valley girl)
I am a Napa val, I know (Napa Valley girl)
But I like can get reservations at the French Laundry so it’s okay
(Napa Valley girl)
Uh-huh…(Napa Valley girl)6_michel-rolland_275pxw
So like, I don’t know (Napa Valley girl)
I’m like freaking out totally (Napa Valley girl)
OH, MY GOTT! (Napa Valley girl)

Hi- I have to go see my consulting enologist (Napa Valley girl)
I’m getting a customized blend made, y’know (Napa Valley girl)
But Michel has insisted on such a big retainer
That’s going to be really like a total bummer
I’M FREAKING OUT
I’m chard.
It’s like those dump bucket things
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THEY’RE LIKE GROSS LEES
YOU LIKE GET LIKE OTHER PEOPLE’S SALIVA ALL OVER THEM!
But like, I don’t know, it’s going to be cool, y’know
Riding in the limo to the wine train
And I’m on one of those cool mailing lists, y’know
Where y’know somebody’s gotta die
For you to get in
The wine is just so awesome
It’s got no aftertaste; it’s like tubular, y’know
Well, it’s not like really tannic or anything
It’s just like
I don’t know
You know me, I’m like into like the clean stuff
Like Colgin and Harlan Estate, y’know4_napa_valley_train_275pxw
Like my husband like makes me drink SUB-90 POINT Syrah
IT’S LIKE GROSS LEES
LIKE ALL THE AROMAS OF DIRT AND TERROIR AND STUFF
And it’s like, it’s like SOMEBODY ELSE’S WINE, Y’KNOW
IT’S LIKE COTE ROTIE!
COTE ROTIE TO THE MAX
I AM CHARD!
Its like really nauseating
LIKE BARBARESCO OUT!
GAG ME WITH A TASTEVIN!
GROSS LEES!
I AM CHARD!
TOTALLY….

2 Responses to “Napa Valley Girl”

  1. Jerae Knutson says:

    I have no witty comments to post. I am from Napa. I do live in Napa. And, OMG, (in my best Valley Girl voice), I’m laughing so hard I’m crying…..

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